Spanish daily El Mundo today revealed the secret to Cristiano Ronaldo’s success: Cryotherapy. Now before you all start chopping onions and watching Sophie’s Choice, the term cryotherapy comes from the Greek for cold (cryo) and cure (therapy) and involves subjecting your body to temperatures as low as minus 160˚C in a chamber cooled by liquid nitrogen. C-Ron has one such cryosauna in his pad worth €45,000 apparently.
Positive effects from the treatment include increased cellular survival and regeneration, and decreased inflammation and pain. Negative effects include your testicles disappearing from view for a couple of weeks and never forgiving you.
Cryotherapy has of course been in use in Scottish football for centuries. It was already around during the days of David Wedderburn patrolling the side-lines, watching his Aberdeen Grammar School under 14s blooter a pig’s bladder from one end of the playing field to the other while bellowing out tactics still used in the SPL today such as: “Snatch the ball from that fellow if you can. Come, throw yourself against him”.That the school went through the 1633 / 34 season unbeaten was down to more than Wedderburn’s tactical genius. The entire squad benefitted from the cryotheraputical qualities of training sessions throughout an Aberdeen winter where temperatures regularly drop to below minus 160˚C. Northernly teams continue to enjoy this stroke of climatic fortune to this day with Cally Thistle and Elgin City currently flying high in their respective divisions.
A source close to Cristiano says the Portuguese swears by the treatment and is considering a move to Wick Academy FC when his Madrid contract ends in order to see out his career in the cryotherapy natural paradise that is the Scottish Highland League.