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Lock Up Your Women Aged 25 and Over Who Already Have a Child By Another Professional Footballer

The general reaction to Madrid off-loading 24 year old Mesut Özil was a massive WTF.  The 20,000 or so present in the Bernabeu to greet Bale took time out from chanting “Baaaay-el, Baaaay-el” to plead with Florentino Perez not to sell the number 10.  He took no notice and the €50m transfer to Arsenal was confirmed the following day.  German national coach Joachim Low’s description of the move as “incomprehensible” seemed spot on.  Why would Real want rid of the man who has the most assists in Europe over the past five years?  Well, it seems that today’s edition of Spanish broadsheet El Mundo has the answer: he can’t keep it in his pants apparently.

In an article that goes into what is, quite frankly, a ridiculous amount of detail, we learn that he has a penchant for older women and the cheeky monkey often finds himself tangled up in relaciones amorosas matriarcales.  In layman’s terms, MILFs telling him what to do.  Even more disturbing is the fact that his last two birds already had children by other players.  This has led El Mundo to conclude that his current squeeze, Mandy Capristo, will not last the distance on account of not fulfilling Mesut’s strict age or previous reproduction requirements.

In response to the revelations Arsenal FC released a statement confirming that Jack Wilshere has had his mother moved to a safe house outside the capital.

JACK

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