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Slow Start to the Year for Fast Eddie

eddieIt’s the end of January.  That means all of us have long since broken our New Year’s resolutions.  For many that means the lure of nicotine, alcohol or chocolate has once again proved too strong for their feeble powers of self-control.  While for others it may mean the new gym gear remains as fresh and unused as the day Santa Claus shimmied down the chimney to deliver it.

There are some in this world, however, who live such Peter Pan / Walter Mitty-esque lives that the traditional list of bog-standard self-improvement goals does not quite cut it.  These are individuals that really raise the bar when it comes to setting resolutions on what not to do each year.  One such man is Conlig’s favourite son and Formula 1 legend, Edmund Irvine Jr.

Over the years Irv the Swerve has set, and then failed miserably to reach, the type of behavioural targets that even the wolf of Wall Street would regard as achievable.  Back in 1993 for example he vowed that during his debut race in F1 he would not unlap himself (twice!) against Senna, then tell the greatest racing driver of all time he was too slow, and end up taking a Brazilian left right combination for his troubles.  It turned out to be a vow to far for our Eddie.

As his playboy reputation grew, resolutions of an intimate nature were necessary each new year.  Don’t sleep with Mick Jagger’s ex, for example.  Or keep your hands of Kate Moss.  Leave Miss Belgium alone and don’t leave the club with Pamela Anderson were other notable goals.  Unfortunately they all ended in the same way for Fast Eddie: sadly unfulfilled resolutions.

But Irvine is nothing if not consistent and it is good to see that, even at the ripe old age of 48, his New Year’s resolutions continue to enjoy a similar shelf-life to a Christmas turkey.  And it has to be said that, even by his high standards, the broken promises of 2014 are something to behold:

  1. Don’t get sentenced to six months in an Italian prison for brawling over a woman in the VIP area of a Milanese nightclub.
  2. Don’t get into a fight with a seven foot lemon shark while spear fishing snapper for your dinner off an island in the Bahamas.
  3. TBC in a British tabloid any day now.

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